PREFACE: I’m probably really going to displease some people with my comments in this article and for that I do apologize, especially to my husband who may be very surprised to read my thoughts. We usually post very upbeat, positive musings and this one took a curve I actually wasn’t expecting. But keep reading as it’s not all doom and gloom. This site is meant to start the conversation and be honest and helpful, right? We don’t want you to feel alone, if you aren’t always feeling “the love” for the triathlon lifestyle. So, here goes…..
Dana & Syd in Kona supporting David.
The idea for writing this article came to me on a Saturday afternoon while I was walking the dogs in the rain. See, the weekends are the times my husband usually takes them out and I get a break. Don’t get me wrong, I love them dearly, but a break is nice sometimes and has come to be expected. However, it’s now officially race season, so instead of doing what he normally would, my triathlete is in the basement doing a 3 hour ride after having done a swim this morning and I’m walking the pups in his place.
This made me think about all the other times I’VE had to do something instead of him or for him, because he’s training. Let’s face it. We trisupporters sacrifice – I hate to use that word, but that’s exactly what we do. I suppose you could use the term compromise instead of sacrifice, if you prefer. I never understood what people meant when they talked about sacrifice, as I always enjoyed supporting whatever made my family happy. But changes in dynamics and/or circumstances can bring the idea into a new light.
I came up with this list of what we “give” or “give up” when I started delving into the question:
- We give up a lot of aspects of our social lives.
- We have to say no or reschedule family and friend activities or get very creative about scheduling together time.
- Time with the spouse/partner/family members/friends is often diminished and in the process, the relationship(s) may suffer.
- We give up space in our homes to accommodate all the tri gear and paraphernalia.
- We give up personal time to assume more household responsibilities.
- We stand in long lines to get an autograph from one of their favorite pro triathletes. (Done totally out of love!)
- We act as sounding boards for them to discuss training, nutrition, races, and all things tri, when we’d rather be discussing buying a new TV for the family room or US economic policy.
- Not to mention all the stuff we do FOR them – shopping, booking races, cooking special meals, washing clothes, packing…..
Then I started to list what we “get” in return. Sure we get “vacations” at race locations, but once again face it, they are not always in the spots we want to vacation in and not always vacations to boot. During the days preceding the race and on race day, we spend a lot of time apart or not doing “touristy” things for multiple reasons:
- They’re with other triathletes they haven’t seen in a long time and certainly have to catch up with.
- They have to register, check their bike in, pack their transition bags…….
- They can’t sight-see, because they need to rest and have to be off their feet.
- They can’t drink, because it’s before the race.
- They need to eat certain foods, so they can’t go to certain restaurants.
- They have to go to bed at 8pm, because it’s the night before the race and they have to get up at 3:30am.
- And, when we do get to spend time together, they make us traipse through expos and merchandise tents in search of some item they truly don’t need and may not even want.
(This is precisely why we recommend extending races to include just vacation time). Okay, so while we may voice displeasure about the vacation spot, we have to admit that hey, we do GET a vacation and generally several during the year. We also usually get a happy, healthy, fit partner and we get to see them develop a robust social life around their triathlete friends. We also get to see them realize a life’s dream, which is huge. We get to make our own new friends, even though we may only see them once a year. And, we get to introduce our kids to a healthy, active lifestyle.
BUT, and it’s a HUGE BUT, despite the fact that the positives and negatives may not be in balance, we persevere as trisupporeters. We continue to be by our triathletes side through it all. The cold, dark mornings we rise out of our warm, snuggly beds; the dining room tables we let be covered with pre-race paraphernalia; the Italian restaurant we go to when we really wanted Chinese; the totally drenched and smelly clothes we pick up and throw in the washer. You get the idea. What is it that makes us do this? Is it OUR make-up or is it our love for the triathlete or some combination of both?
Dana, Jodi, & Sherry being trisupporters…
I looked at my friends who are trisupporters, including their families and looked at what characteristics they possess as people and what they do in and with their lives. I had a few conversations with them also to see if I could get any answers. I wondered if there was actually anything different among supporters of any sport. The problem is I couldn’t come up with a sport to compare it to. None that I could think of requires the number of hours devoted both to training and then to the actual races as triathlons do. Am I missing something?
So, I let that idea go and here are my conclusions:
- Most trisupporters I know have a similar attitude (not necessarily as a participant) about health and exercise as their triathlete or develop this soon after the sport is entered into.
- Those with families often believe that this lifestyle, including the discipline and dedication required, are excellent traits to pass on to their children.
- They often include the family, parents & siblings, in becoming trisupporters.
- They didn’t initially know what they were getting into with all the commitments and ended up just working it all out; sometimes begrudgingly, sometimes ending up loving the lifestyle.
- They see their new group of friends as a tremendous positive and are happy to see them just occasionally.
- They expect there to be compromise when asked and especially during times of changes in family situations.
- They do hold some resentments, although reluctant to admit, but tend to keep them to themselves and not voice them to the triathlete.
- They try and maintain an outside life for themselves, not one that totally revolves around the triathlete.
- They are a bit on the independent side and can keep themselves occupied and happy with alone time.
- It is not for everyone and not everyone gets it….some people may not be able to be a supporter and be happy.
So, there you have it trisupporters. With race season upon us, I thought I’d share my thoughts with you, good and bad, just to let you know how special you are and that it’s okay to not always be behind your triathlete 100%. Not supporting fully and unselfishly has seemed incomprehensible to me, because there is immeasurable joy in seeing your loved one succeed and experience such personal happiness.
But, somewhere there is a cost, freely given, but there none the less. For me it’s been worth it, so far, but I have had to make adjustments in my lifestyle. I hope there does not come a time when it crosses over. A BIG help to our situation was my husband taking his “pause” last year, only doing a half Ironman. It was really nice having a breather and my husband back in my life for awhile.
So, to that end, I’m following my own advice. Hang in there with your triathlete, but let them know when adjustments have to be made in the household. Hold no resentments. Talk it out. Get creative. Involve other triathlete families if you can or need to. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or for them to take a “pause” if necessary. And, check back with The TriWivesClub for more articles on this topic in the near future.
-SHERRY
LET US KNOW IF YOU’VE FELT LIKE ME AND HOW YOU DEALT WITH IT…..
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Sherry is one of the TriWivesClub and LifeDoneWell co-founders and contributes to multiple blogs. She is a former co-owner of the California Apparel News and had a career in the healthcare industry. Her passions include traveling, real food, the environment, and animal rescue/welfare. She lives a healthy lifestyle and has been a vegetarian since 1987. She and her husband are parents to two rescue pups and reside in Connecticut.
Brave post. I think we all go through times that are more trying than others and when we feel disappointment. But, as you said, we remain supportive. I guess all of life is full of sacrifice or compromise.
Thanks Anne. That’s the bottom line – we do remain supportive and I can’t imagine any other way.
This post is right on regarding my attitude. During training/race season, the bulk of the household stuff falls on me (including yard work, shuttling kids, ensuring the “right” foods are in the house and on the menu, etc.). At times I just go with the flow, but there have been major blow-ups when I feel alone/neglected/unappreciated. Really looking forward to our trip to IM Nice (France) this summer with the family, but I am also looking forward to the promised 2-year break from Iron distance races. He won’t give up racing, but will do more halfs and Olympics. 🙂
Hi Nanci. Thanks so much for the honest comments. I’ve certainly felt like you over the years. My husband took a “pause” last year which I wrote about on the site (he did 1 half). It felt nice after 10 solid yrs of racing. We hear a lot from people needing this break. I hope you enjoy yours!!!
Yes. But What about the people involved in the family who don’t HAVE a choice but to be a tri-supporter? Is that really fair? I can’t help but read this with a bit of anger and hurt in my heart. The wives choose to support this selfish obsession of a sport. Thats your choice…you COULD technically leave or divorce. Not saying you should just saying if you don’t like it and the husband is not willing to change you could leave. But what about your family as a whole? What about your children? They don’t choose this and they are forced to have a father who seemingly chooses the sport over them day after day. Even into adulthood…when he comes to visit you (when you havnt spent more than 2 weeks together in a year) you find that you barley spend time together because he’s too busy finding a pool and packing his bike and trying to plan run routes and can’t eat what you cook. Im sorry but sacrifice has to go both ways.
I used to think that this was how the sport had to be. BUT Im now a triathlete (after I promised myself I would never do it because I grew up hating the selfish sport) And I now see….because Im living it….that sacrifice has to go BOTH ways and it is possible. Yes – training is important to me. But if my boyfriend surprises me with a romantic trip to Hawaii for valentines day Im not going to say no because its too close to a race. He might have to let me take 2 hours super early in the AM while he sleeps to get one workout in. Or If I want to go see my boyfriend play Ultimate frisbee but it interferes with a swim…I get up crazy early and slam that double workout in early or I tack it on to another day or you know what? Skipping one swim is not going to kill you. But it sure hurts if my boyfriend looks at the sidelines and sees Im not there (even if he says otherwise). But in the grand scheme of life whats more important? 2 missed workouts? Or time with someone I love? I always tell my friends and my boyfriend that if they start to feel like I am choosing triathlon over them…or they are starting to feel the scale of give and take getting unbalanced that they tell me immediately . And Ill readjust. My performance as far as I can tell does not suffer come race day. Besides this is a HOBBY.
Ive found a way to have a HEALTHY life thats balanced between work triathlon love friends fun and rest. Ive learned from my Father’s mistakes and I actually find ways to sacrifice ALONG with my loved ones so we are both giving and taking.
Sometimes when I read these blogs entries I really do just read a lot of Tri-Supporter Sacrifices. But I feel like you have been forced into it out of love. I wish that the guys would chill a little and realize that there is more to life than TRI. And their selfishness can be hurtful. Maybe not to you…but to others.
Sorry for the rant. This has been on my mind for awhile. blah
Hi Lindsay. First off, I hope you’re feeling better. Heard you were under the weather. I know this is a real issue in tri families and it often doesn’t get talked about, so rant away! You are certainly doing it the right way and I love your comment about in the grand scheme of things what’s most important… It really MUST be looked at from that perspective. Now I want to know if that attitude is more a female thing???? In all honesty, I didn’t look at what is given up from the perspective of the family, just the spouse. It truly is a whole other subject and worthy of delving into. I remember being at a race and upset about something and I said, “it’s not all about you.” And, he said, “oh, but it is.” That kind of said it all. We’ve since had a conversation about the need for a change in attitude, so to speak, but it can be difficult to initiate. I think Carl taking last year off really helped us. I would hope the same might apply to you?? I so appreciate your honesty. We are always here for you. Sherry
I am feeling better 🙂 I just had some food poisoning from bad sushi haha. It really was um…violently terrible but only took me out for a quick day or two so thats good!
Sometimes I feel like I am the only triathlete who is performance based who sees the “Grand Scheme of things”. But I think thats because I grew up knowing what its like to be forced into a triathlon family against your will and feeling second to a form of exercise (Um hello therapy much? haha.) That I vowed never to be like that and see life beyond my own nose.
I don’t think it’s just a female thing. I mean my boyfriend has expressed sometimes that he gets sad if I skip out on something or don’t plan enough for it to not interfere and Ive “already missed a swim this week!” or we realize we havnt had date night in a week because Im training before and after work ect… (But honestly rarely but thats because Im good about it…but if I start to get too involved he lets me know he’s feeling a little left behind). My boyfriend supports me of course! And sometimes when Im feeling lazy encourages me or will go on a run with me (or fits me for proper shoes and gets me into running form clinics for free) But triathlon supporting is by no means his life or does he want it to be. Our philosophy is to support each other lovingly in whatever we’re into (ultimate frisbee…triathlons….acroyoga) even though the other might not get it or do it themselves but for it to also not define our lives or the other person’s life.
I just flat out think that some of these triathletes with families need to f@!#ing (sorry) walk in the other person’s shoes. It’s not all about them. We are not their “pit crew”. I often think its sad that they NEED triathlon so much in their lives that they are practically willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING else good in their lives for it. I think thats unhealthy…just like a glass of wine is fine at dinner but a bottle every night is an addiction. Often I felt like the only way to have anything to talk about with my Dad and get close to him is to walk in his own shoes (all three – running biking and flippers). And it has! And Im thankful! Triathloning with my Dad is a blast. But it also showed me that I can actually call bull crap on a lot of the things I thought the sport “had” to be and you had to become.
Same would apply to me in what? My Dad taking a year off? Eh – not so sure. My dad would have to find himself first and see that he’s more than just an Ironman. If not…then hell just be miserable and complaining about not doing triathlons and living vicariously through my workouts or others. Its hard to change an “old dog’s” perspective on life. Even if that dog isn’t really that old at all.
Im an adult now so its not really an issue anymore. I mean now I go home and we train together or he comes visit me and we train together. Which is fun. I just know that there are other people and families out there going through the same thing and I just wanted to provide some food for thought form someone who grew up with it.
-Lindsay
In talking to people for my post, I found feelings of this being a “selfish sport” fairly common and dissatisfaction out there on the part of many spouses. Some have just quit going to many races. They remain supportive, but have found the balance they needed in life and other ways to occupy their time. I think it’s also the nature of this sport – how time consuming, talk of “elite” athletes, how people react when they say they’re an Ironman, etc. that makes it so encompassing for them. By a female thing, I meant in terms of being sensitive to the partners feelings and recognizing it’s about them too. I’m so happy you and your boyfriend have recognized it could be an issue and dealt with it early on. Would love to compile your 2 comments into a post – could certainly be anonymous. As you said – if it can help others either going through it or prevent them from going through it. Okay, I have to ask what is acroyoga????
Apologize for the heated comments earlier. haha. I didn’t realize how angry they sound…it just struck a cord is all!
OMG ACROYOGA! Its my new obsession. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nL4kfGpa5E8
I have to wait till I go on work hiatus to fully get into it as the group class closest to me is during my work hours.
Hello Sexy strengthening partner yoga with lifts!
No need to apologize. We all have those “hot button issues” so to speak. Glad we could be a sounding board. I just looked at the video. It’s a mild cirque du soleil!!! Hold cow. Do they supply the partners??? Your core has to be so strong to even attempt this…..
you bring your own partner 🙂 But if you and your partner are both not super fit thats great! You can build up to this stuff together! Thats what makes it fun
I think this is a young person’s form of yoga. Lucky you!
We live such parallel lives. After John’s 4 hour training session on Saturday I pretty much lost my mind. We had a plumbing issue and he dismantled the downstairs toilet and left it in my living room for two weeks. That was 30 hours of training that could have been cut down to 28 hours so he could use the other 2 to fix the toilet. Among other things that have been neglected. My text to him was in all caps. He got the message and didn’t train at all on Sunday. I am grateful that we have come to the point where he appreciates my support and backs off when I need him to. Overall, this has been a positive experience for us and I hope our open communication continues to keep things in check. It makes me crazy when he has 8 hours of training on the weekend (like this weekend) because I work all week too. The weekends can be the toughest.
Hi Tara. Thanks for the comments. At least John attempts to fix things around the house!!! It took me a long time to get used to the solitude of weekends, when that used to be our time together due to his long work hours during the week. I even looked forward to his grocery shopping with me Sunday mornings. You so have to communicate any frustrations, disappointments, anger, etc. as it just grows. I really didn’t realize how many partners felt the same until I started actually asking for this article.