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A tri buddy is a tri buddy……
Spends many hours away from home; is in the company of an attractive, physically fit, disciplined person of the opposite sex; comes home sweaty and out of breath; makes excuses for why they’re late, such as had a flat tire – sounds like the scenario for a spouse having an affair, doesn’t it? But in this case, it’s just part of living with a triathlete. In part 1 of our series, we addressed time spent away from home as a potential cause of friction in living with a triathlete. In part 2, we address the very sensitive issue of your triathlete having opposite sex training partners. For this piece, we looked at the issue ourselves and spoke with people who are in this situation to determine if it is a real phenomenon or just a tantalizing subject. We wanted to bring it up, so it DOESN’T become a problem. Here’s what we found…..
Due to the long and often monotonous hours spent training, it’s understandable that your triathlete would want to make someone suffer with them. It’s also great to have another person along for company, safety, and for motivation; when they just want to say, “I’m done.” Not to mention the competitive nature that comes out when someone is riding along side them on a bike….My husband trains alone, with people we socialize with, and with people I just know the names of, but have not met. Should I be concerned? Should I question if Sean is Shawn? Should I ask to meet them? Have you asked yourself these questions?
Training group in action, except for Alex, the dog, who only does the runs…..
For those of you whose significant other trains with a person of the opposite sex, this is a very personal issue. We’ve seen it discussed from the triathlete’s point of view, but that’s not who we are. So, we decided to look into this issue ourselves and posed the following questions to both men and women who have been in this situation:
- Would you prefer your significant other just avoid any situation that could potentially lead to trouble?
- Does it make a difference if you know the person to begin with?
- Is the amount of time spent with the training partner a consideration? The age? The marital status?
- Did your significant other immediately suggest meeting the training partner? Or did you have to ask?
- Is there a difference in attitude if you are a man or woman?
- Are you concerned about what they talk about while working out?
- Should workouts be in a group or at least with someone the significant other knows?
- Is it more of an issue when one of the partners is not married?
- Would you let your significant other travel to a race with a partner of the opposite sex without you?
Strategizing for the next training session…..
Experience amongst the triwives has been to keep the green-eyed monster in check and put away the voodoo dolls….they don’t work anyway – just kidding. Our husbands have had female training partners, but they have been part of a group and we have known them in advance. Of course every situation is different, but in general, we have found that a triathlete is a triathlete….viewed as a bit unisex among the group. It’s better to treat the situation in the same way you would any other….without discrimination to sex, religion, political view, race, education, social standing, eating habits, bike company preferences, or running shoe fetishes. Training with others can be about competing almost as much as races are, and gender differences seem to take a backseat in the eyes of most in training for race mode.
Cause for concern?
Most of the people we spoke with were women, but we did have a chat with a few males. While we did find it to be a somewhat uncomfortable subject, we did not find it led to any divorces among the group. Yeah!!!! We’d like to share the following comments from fellow tri supporters:
- I want my husband to be mindful of my feelings and not dismiss them just because he doesn’t think it’s an issue.
- If you spend enough time with another person, it’s just too easy for feelings to develop.
- I’m very concerned with what the conversation is about when they’re training and if they talk about me and her husband. I don’t want our personal life shared that way.
- Affairs can happen due to many different reasons, why take the risk when there are other options.
- Just talk to me about the situation and if I’m still uncomfortable with it, that should be enough for you to say no.
- I actually am happy to have my wife train with a guy or in a group. I feel she’s safer and I worry less, actually. Sorry….
- I guess I feel secure in my relationship, so don’t worry about it. It’s all about communication and trust.
- I never thought about it until you asked. Gee thanks…..
- I did have an issue several years ago when my husband first started doing triathlons. He became close to a woman in a triclub that he joined and they did workouts together outside of the club. Another male training partner actually talked to him about it – I found this out later. Short version- I have to believe nothing happened and it hasn’t come up again.
- It seems a little weird to me and I probably have a concern in the back of my mind, but I can’t let it take over my thoughts. I guess it’s like the work situation and I don’t honestly worry about that.
- He had a female training partner once that wasn’t married and I have to admit, I wasn’t too happy. I probably should have said something, but never did. I met her at a couple of races and she was really nice. She moved and I guess that was that…But, I think if it happened again, I would have to bring it up.
- What I like to do is have everyone over for a cookout when the weather gets nice, so the families can get together. I just like to do this so we can all get to know each other and commiserate. I haven’t had the situation with a training partner of the opposite sex, but, I think getting everyone together would be a good idea. When everyone knows everybody else, it may be more difficult for something untowards to happen.
So, what do you think? While we found the topic to be more than just a tantalizing subject, it also has solutions. The overwhelming theme seems to be COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE and let everyone get to know each other. Being upfront takes all the mystery out of the situation and meets any potential conflict head on. Did we miss something? Let us know.
– THE TRIWIVESCLUB
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Sherry is one of the TriWivesClub and LifeDoneWell co-founders and contributes to multiple blogs. She is a former co-owner of the California Apparel News and had a career in the healthcare industry. Her passions include traveling, real food, the environment, and animal rescue/welfare. She lives a healthy lifestyle and has been a vegetarian since 1987. She and her husband are parents to two rescue pups and reside in Connecticut.
I have a question, If the husband is training with a group that fell apart and now its just the female partner and him most of the time with the occasional me at beginning of rides (injured foot presently keeps me from running) and another male triathlete occasionally. Heres the thing i asked that they , my husband and the female training partner, stop the amount of calls and calls during what i feel is scared time (late 11:30, or before he goes to bed when he is on the road). This created a big stink tears and uncomfortableness. Now he deletes her texts and says its because his phone should be private. She is sweet she bring us food presents and she did a 75mi ride with me but he and she are becoming good friends and im not. I feel really foolish even seeing this written out. I think the line should be drawn when the friendship is so close he is hiding the messages. I did see one message and she said she said she missed him which made me very uncomfortable and I confronted him and made my case as to why i felt it was totally inappropriate. Now i don’t even want to be around her. We still have 2 1/2 weeks till race day and the weekend of the race yuk!!! any suggestions????
Hi. These are such tough issues, but they do come up often. The most recent was this reader question, which got a lot of responses. Did you see it yet? Yours sounds very involved and I’m sorry, beyond our scope. Were you part of the group that fell apart? The best we always do is let them know how we’re feeling which it sounds like you’re doing and hope he puts your feelings front and center.
http://triwivesclub.com/reader-question-opposite-sex-training-partners/
I supported my ex for years in her Triathlon quests. She did full and half Ironman’s and was quite successful, training 5-7 hours every Saturday and Sunday, most evenings and any other time she could squeeze out of her schedule. She trained with 4 guys. I stayed home with our two kids (5&7). Fed them, got them to school, picked them up and took them to activities. She was there for many activities but missed a lot more than she realizes.
She left me for one of the guys (who was also married with two kids) she was training with after denying for months that anything was happening. The next day she wanted me to take her back. I did not as her betrayal after the level of support and sacrifice I made to help her was shattering.
I’m now with a wonderful woman who shares my interests and does not selfishly consume her time away from her family.
I’ve never heard a triathlete say they are selfish with their time. I think that’s just a character trait inherent to these athletes. They live in a whole different world and I’m thankful to be entirely away from that world now.
I’m so sorry things got that bad for you. I do have one friend who was in a similar situation, but they managed to get through it – was a huge struggle, though. I’m happy you’re in a much better situation now. It’s really a hard life on the family and I don’t think most have any idea what that will entail when their spouse gets started. I know I didn’t. It just sounded like a great way for him to stay fit. Once they get “hooked” it does consume so much of their life and it takes a lot of work for the family to adjust. Infidelity, of course, is a whole different issue to be dealt with. Anyway, thank you so much for sharing your experience. We love to hear from the men who have spouse triathletes. We wish you all the best.
My wife isn’t into triathlons, but she is a marathoner, so my experiance parallels. When she is race training, it’s not easy. I find about 75% of those points to be applicable. I’ve tried to run with her, did a 180 day streak and came to the conclusion I just don’t enjoy running. In the beginning she ran with a club, but for the past 5 years it’s only 1 on 1 with her single male running partner, 18 years her senior. He is a very nice man, almost “metrosexual” in nature and he makes many efforts to ensure my comfort with their relationship. But it’s impossible to offset the time devotion they get as a running couple, it’s the largest factor. During training they’ll spend approximately 80% of my wife’s free time together for 2-6 month blocks, in addition to Facebook and texting when apart. Stopping for a beer after a once a week 5 miler is waaaaY different than stopping for a beer after a 24 mile trainer and 90 miles total that week. When it comes down to it, life is about time and who you want to share yours with. Even if your spouse doesn’t express it directly, know that everyone recognizes when you choose to give your time to something or someone in place of sharing it with them. Be mindful of how you use what precious time remains during training, your kids, spouse, family, and friends are likely feeling a bit neglected. If you want a opposite sex training partner, ask your spouse at the very start, then check in every week or two to make sure it’s still working, be willing to modify or reduce the time spent with the less important relationship, hopefully it’s the buddy. Odds are your spouse loves the heck out of you if you’re still married after the first race, repay that devotion by respecting their feelings
Thanks so much for your wonderful comments. You have made excellent points about how athletes need to be cognizant of how they use their time when not training and how both partners need to recognize this and respect the other’s feelings. It all seems to boil down to the communication, but a lot of couples still have trouble with this aspect and their remains a lot of resentment among at least triathlete couples. Thanks again and I hope you keep reading and commenting!
My husband has a younger female tri partner who is also a co-worker. They spend 4 nights a week training and all day Saturday. We have a 10 year old child. I hate his training partner because she monopolizes his spare time with no thought to the family. He encourages her and ignores me when I ask him to cut down on his time with her. To cut a long story short, I am divorcing him now. My advice to other tri wives is to speak up if you are uncomfortable. This isn’t a normal situation to live with.
Hi Helena. We are so sorry to hear this. You are so right about communication and getting your feelings out. This needs to be done from the beginning. We wish you and your family all the best. Thanks so much for sharing.
I never thought my husband was unhappy or would cheat on me, needless to say, I was floored when he told me our relationship wasn’t working and even more crushed to find out he was having an affair with his training partner. He has done so many races over the years and had bunches of different partners, meanwhile I’ve cared for our two boys now 4 & 6. He is so selfish and narcissistic he thought I would be happy about the whole thing because he was going to be a better version of himself for our boys. It’s only been 4 months since finding out. I was able to get him to give us a shot but now I’m crushed And not sure if I can ever recover and love him & myself again.
Oh Emily we’re so sorry for what you’re going through. This sounds like a devastating experience to the extreme. Certainly nothing you expect to happen after being a true supporter. Having gone through a divorce, I can speak from experience that you will survive it, but it is horrible during the healing process. We only wish you all the best and hope you have a good support team of friends and family to see you through. Thank you so much for sharing this very personal experience with us…