I’m writing this article a bit tongue in cheek. On the one hand, I’m trying to inject some humor here. On the other hand, I sometimes wonder if sleeping in separate bedrooms might be best for both of us, but especially me, the trispouse!
My triathlete husband doesn’t even have to be in full-on intensive training mode for my sleep pattern and hence, my well-being, to suffer. Just his getting up at 4:30am to workout before work disrupts my sleep and since I don’t go to bed between 9 and 9:30, I’m the one not getting a great night’s sleep.
So, I started thinking….Are separate bedrooms the way to go and if so, can I come up with some seriously good reasons? Here are four…
You Need a Good Night’s Sleep
I really have a different sleep schedule from my husband. I’ve tried to come closer to his, but I refuse to compromise THAT much. And, if that’s not bad enough, I get woken up very early; both when he gets up to work out and again – sometimes when I’ve just gotten back to sleep – when he showers and gets ready for work. I will say that over the years, he has gotten much better about closing doors before turning lights on at least…
While I say this with some humor, lack of sleep and/or sleep disruption can actually be a serious concern, as sleep is SO important to our health. And, if I’m not going to bed at 9pm which I’m not, I’m barely getting 6 quality hours of sleep each night. Think of the cumulative effects of this pattern on your health! He, on the other hand, is getting a good 7-8 hours each night, even if he gets up at 4:30. I’m definitely the one suffering here!
You Want to Stay Up Past 9PM
I can’t go to bed at 9pm or anywhere close like my husband. On those rare occasions when I have, I laid awake and watched TV, read emails, or read a book; sort of defeating the purpose. A big issue for me is that I’ve always been a night person (I even worked the night shift as a nurse many years ago and loved it), so I’m usually up until around 11:30 or so. Which means, depending on when he gets up, I’m getting at best 6 hours of sleep.
I’m betting that if you have young kids, either you’ve just gotten them to bed and this is your alone time or you’re doing things to get them ready for school tomorrow. If you have older kids, you’re catching up with them, waiting for them to come home, or making sure homework’s done. Either way, bedtime isn’t in your future for a few more hours!
You Want to Get Up Later Than 6AM
I sometimes like to sleep in past 6 am, heck, make that 4:30! During the week, he’s up VERY early, especially when it’s close to a race and he has to get the hours in before work. Off season and the weekends aren’t quite as bad, but he still rarely, if ever, sleeps in past 6:30. And, once you’re awake, after hearing his alarm go off, if you’re like me, it’s really tough to get back to sleep. While I am an early riser myself and get up between 6:30 and 7am anyway, I find myself often missing out on a good 1 -2 hours of sleep.
You Don’t Like to Sleep in an Icebox
A triathlete’s body temperature is well above the rest of the population. I don’t know if this is a proven fact, but if not, it should be. I swear his body often radiates heat. We used to fight about the room temperature of our bedroom all the time; I would turn the thermostat up and he would get mad and turn it down. Then, he’d open a window, even during the winter months. I finally realized I wasn’t going to win. So I just started wearing warmer pajamas and/or adding blankets to my side of the bed.
Then, of course, the scientific community had to come out with a study that showed the ideal bedroom temperature for your health should be between 60 and 65. So, now he has science to back up his wishes and I’m forever sleeping in an icebox.
So, what am I going to do? Well, for now, I’m not making any changes, but it certainly may be worth considering. Can’t wait for the reaction from my husband when he reads this…
Tell us what you think. Have you ever considered something so drastic?
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Sherry is one of the TriWivesClub and LifeDoneWell co-founders and contributes to multiple blogs. She is a former co-owner of the California Apparel News and had a career in the healthcare industry. Her passions include traveling, real food, the environment, and animal rescue/welfare. She lives a healthy lifestyle and has been a vegetarian since 1987. She and her husband are parents to two rescue pups and reside in Connecticut.
I think it is a proven fact that triathletes are space heaters. I’d rather sleep with all the windows open and fan on in 45 degree nights. I’m fine. My dog is not and he’s the one in the fur coat!! Hehe
And how does your non-triathlete human sleeping partner fare????
Actually he does pretty well. It forces him to cuddle me all night long for warm 😉 my evil plan!!
Ah youth!!!! I remember those days fondly…I’d advise to keep that romance alive, but for some reason I don’t think I have to say that to you! You know full well what to do…
My husband and I are both triathletes, so we in a slightly different boat than you.
Our training / race schedules / gym sessions / work shift patterns, etc. compete with each other, which means sleeping in the same bed on a permanent basis is very difficult. Fatigue and low libido meant we were sleeping together literally, but not sexually.
The biggest problem wasn’t convincing each other of the benefits of this – it was just finding the right way to approach the subject.
We already had a no sex rule for the days leading up to a big race, so this additional step just made sense for us. The key is communication between both partners.
It won’t be for every couple, but I can definitely say it has helped our relationship vastly.
Hi Jane. Great to hear from you and we appreciate your openness. Curious if it was you who broached the subject and if the situation changes on and off season? It does always come down to communication, but often hard to be the one to bring it up. Thanks.
Hello, thanks for the welcome. I’m just looking on the net to see how other triathlete couples live and came across your excellent article.
It’s very difficult and a different type of relationship, based on a lot of give and take. I think both being triathletes helps, I don’t envy you being a non-tri wife of a dedicated triathlete!
My husband originally came up with the idea of no sex before competition after hearing about it from other guys, I guess. Broaching the subject of taking things further wasn’t too difficult for me.
As our triathlon training became more serious, it was starting to affect our relationship and also our general wellbeing from tiredness, fatigue, etc. of competing schedules.
It was while he was abroad on business for 3 weeks, we realised how much better our sleeping patterns were during the time away from each other and also how much we missed each other in the intimacy department. It was after this that I suggested we try the separate bedroom arrangements during intense training and in the days leading up to competition – just on a trial basis for a couple of months.
My husband was sceptical, but went along with it. After the trial period, we both realised the benefits were huge and it was my husband who suggested we should spend the next few years taking our competition more seriously because we only have a limited time as elite athletes. It’s worked for us and we love each other more now than ever.
In our off-season/winter training, we share the same bed most of the time with regular intimacy. From late February – November, we have a much more regimental regime based mainly around competition days, but also taking into account training, gym sessions, work shifts, and so on. We very rarely sleep in the same bed during these months, and save these times for special occasions, date nights and so on.
It’s a lifestyle choice to temporarily put your relationship on hold to focus on competition and training – it works very well for us, but it won’t be the right choice for all couples. X
I’m amazed at how “adult” you both have been in first discussing this topic and then reaching this decision. It’s certainly one that is difficult for most people to confront. While it’s a bit different for us mere mortals as we’re not 2 triathlete families, there are still very similar issues that we have to deal with. I hope others can learn from your openness. Even though you say you’ve put your relationship on hold, it sounds like you’re doing just fine! Thanks so much for sharing.