Having a triathlete as a partner brings up a lot of fitness issues, not the least being the body image of the non-triathlete. When one partner has about 5% body fat, where does that leave the other person? While the two of you may have started out at similar fitness levels, for the majority of couples, the triathlete has left you in the dust. I guess we all knew this would happen, but probably never really thought about this consequence when we signed on to the lifestyle. So, at what point does body image and triathlete partners become a real issue?
While most non-triathletes want to stay fit, that doesn’t include a 3 hour bike ride followed by an hour run. In conversations with these couples, I’ve found a few of those tri-partners who manage to stay as physically fit as their triathlete and a few whose idea of fitness is shaking a cowbell at a race. Most of us happily fall someplace in between, myself included. But, it’s an issue I’ve grappled with ever since my husband started doing triathlons.
In the beginning, if you’re like me, you honestly never really thought about how bodies would change (the triathlete) and body images (the tri partner) would be affected. But then, something happens…
First…You notice your triathlete getting leaner and starting to feel pretty good about themselves.
Then…You notice some new lean friends coming into the picture and you find yourself checking out the spouses of these triathletes to see what kind of shape they’re in.
Then…You go to races and all you see are women in skimpy spandex outfits with amazing bodies and tans and your husband gushing over the pro women like they’re rock stars.
Miranda Carfrae and Carl at Ironman World Championships.
And…At the same races, you kind of get left by the wayside to fend for yourself a lot. Your triathlete is off with new friends and feeling part of the community that you’re not really a part of.
Then…At home, you’re forced to carry a lot of the weight (pardon the pun) of family responsibilities and don’t have the time to workout multiple hours a day or as much as you’d like or maybe even used to. This one begs the question…Do we sacrifice our own fitness at times for that of the triathlete partner?
And before long…You find yourself grappling with your own body image issues that likely never existed before.
Does any of this sound familiar?
Over the more than 15 years my husband has been doing triathlons, I’ve felt at my right weight and felt fat at various times. I’ve always worked out and try to eat pretty well, but I’ve still had some fluctuations. Hence, at times I’ve felt good about myself and at times I went “ugh”. And it was at those times that I felt very self-conscious going to races.
About 6 months ago, I was shocked to discover that I was at my heaviest weight. It was truly horrifying. For a short while, I started to accept it as my new reality and a part of getting older and did very little to change the situation. But, when you’re married to a triathlete, it’s hard to let this situation last too long before you start to feel uncomfortable.
Not exactly to the point, but luckily, it didn’t take me long to figure out a possible cause. Totally unrelated to my husband or his hobby, it ended up being my own boredom! I was so sick of my current exercise regimen that I was finding any excuse not to do it and with great success I might add. I did find an exercise I’m thrilled with called Megaformer and am happy to report it has cured my boredom and got me back on the exercise wheel.
Taking a Megaformer class. Photo credit Catwalk Fitness.
And now back to the point…While it’s taken me a while to get there…I mean my husband’s been doing triathlons for over 15 years now…
Here’s what I’ve come to accept…
I will NEVER look like or be in the same shape as my triathlete husband.
I have ZILCH desire to spend 3 hours a day working out.
Staying fit can happen in my own ways. I love kayaking, golfing, and swimming in the summer. While they may not be high impact exercise, they are exercise. Besides, I get to be out in the gorgeous summer sun. Most importantly, they make me happy!
My self-esteem is my own responsibility apart from my husband. I have to make any changes in my lifestyle for me and not for external pressures of being involved in the triathlon lifestyle.
I have family responsibilities that need to be taken care of and that’s HUGE.
With pretty much certainly, I know my husband is not focused on those female triathlete bodies at a race. Instead, he’s thinking about his bike, his competitors, his nutrition, whether to save his legs on the bike…
They’ll come a day when this lifestyle ends and we’ll be back on equal fitness footing.
How have you handled body image or self-esteem issues being a triathlete partner?
Sherry is one of the TriWivesClub and LifeDoneWell co-founders and contributes to multiple blogs. She is a former co-owner of the California Apparel News and had a career in the healthcare industry. Her passions include traveling, real food, the environment, and animal rescue/welfare. She lives a healthy lifestyle and has been a vegetarian since 1987. She and her husband are parents to two rescue pups and reside in Connecticut.
I may not have a “partner” but as a triathlete who is dating sometimes on the first date I get sad because the guy will say something like “I got to start working out more if I’m going to see you” or “are you ok if I can’t keep up with you on a run?” Or you can see them deflate when I meantion that one of my bffs is my training partner and is a guy….I never care about this stuff as I’m dating that guy because I like HIM not his athletic ability or muscle poundage. Sometimes I think partners can get TOO in their head assuming I must care more about that stuff than I do…all they need to do is ask me for reassurance or clarity on my thoughts about it! 🙂 communication as always is key ❤️My weight as a triathlete fluctuates between 20lbs(depending on my injury status and phase of training)! I hope to have the same type of acceptance and love from my partner as I do from them xo
Thanks Lindsay. As I said, I know Carl really isn’t focused on Miranda’s gorgeous body for example, but I have to reconcile knowing I’m never going to look like that because I’m just not willing to put in the hours. It still makes me doubt myself on occasion, but I’ve pretty much come to peace with my reality and how I look – has taken me a long time, however. At the same time, I think there will always be just a little jealousy or whatever when I see how great athletes look and have wishful thinking…
This may be one of your best articles yet… I am so glad that I’m not the only one!! My Tri-Hubs has been doing triathlons for 6 year now and the first 3 years of that were difficult in many ways, but my own body image was a biggie that I have never talked much about. Conquering my own insecurities has been quite a challenge. Thank you, so much, for sharing!
Hi Jen. I’ve been wanting to write something about this for a long time. I searched to find if someone else had discussed it and really couldn’t find anything. I certainly faced self esteem and self confidence issues when I went to my first race. When you see these women in spandex with no body fat you feel like such a frump, even if you’re your “normal” weight. Plus, it’s not something you can discuss with your triathlete and unless you know other triwives, you’re on your own to deal with it. I’m a few pounds heavier this year just when my husband is back doing triathlons – great – but, and it’s a big but (no pun intended) it’s now my own issue and nothing related to triathlons. Has taken me quite a few years to get to this place, though.
My husband has been a triathlete for 16 years, starting his training to lose the weight he put on when I was pregnant. He was immediately obsessed with everything about it and has accomplished amazing things (doing his 14th full in Kona in Oct!) I am incredibly proud of him and glad to have been there with our daughter to cheer for him at most of his races. I am quite heavy, as is my daughter, however, and we hate the way we feel judged at races. We don’t recall “signing on” for this life, and I certainly didn’t ever agree to a regimen of constant training while trying to raise a child and holding a high-stress FT job. It just sort of happened, and I could see how it fulfilled his needs so I only made a stink when the time away got absurd. I don’t think he has the energy for an affair, but we do jokingly refer to all of his female clients as his girlfriends. I had to quit all of the extracurricular activities that I enjoyed when I became a parent, and then triathlon took away the one who should have been my partner in that effort. He will never get a 2nd chance at the moments in our daughter’s life that he missed, but he made all of the important things like birthdays and school events. He is a dedicated marching band equipment dad now that she is in high school, but there still isn’t a moment of downtime for me. I don’t even know what I would do with it now if I had some because it has been so long since I considered my own needs and wants. I signed up for a “couch to 5K” program this spring, and it felt like I was constantly having to justify even that hour to leave work on time, not be responsible for picking up/dropping off, not being home to take the dog out when he already had a long ride planned, etc. The choice of 1 spouse to do triathlon affects every aspect of the partner’s life, not just their body image.
Hi Cynthia. Many thanks for sharing what you’re going through. There is no doubt that families are affected, both positively and negatively, by one spouse doing triathlons and most have no idea how the dynamics will change going in. It always amazes and saddens me to hear these stories and how widespread the issue is. We have written about the family issues before, but not how the partner’s body image can be impacted. I know it may sound trite, but communication remains what everyone says is necessary to survive this lifestyle. Not always a pleasant thing to do, but my husband and I have learned to compromise as a result. I guess you have answered my question if we sacrifice our own fitness for that of our triathlete’s….I hope you continue your running program and can focus on your own health and well-being.
Gosh, how I missed reading you! It has been a busy year. I struggled with this issue during my last year of nursing school. I have never been out of my small/medium size clothes in my life, but I still felt fat and sluggish after stopping my regular workouts due to the workload/stress. Meanwhile, my IM boyfriend never looked any better. I got to the point where I thought he needed a prettier, slimmer gf. I did. Then I graduated, returned to the gym and allowed my self-esteem to come back. Triathlete or not, if he only stayed with me for my looks, why would I need him?
Hey Anna. It has been a long time. Welcome back! Glad to hear you’re hanging in there and thanks for sharing your experience. Maybe unless we’re serious athletes ourselves, we all go through these emotions. Luckily, we make it back like you did. You didn’t say if he’s still doing triathlons.
He does. We just got back from Louisville yesterday and it was his PR race. Lake Placid one has an anniversary next summer, so I am suspecting the participation 😊 This KY race was his 6th full one and he said he’d lost count of the halves… I am not going to lie, I am having thoughts of doing at least one race for my bucket list…
You’re a better woman than me, Anna! Keep us posted. We had friends in Louisville this year. How did you like the race and the area? We’re finishing out the year of halves in Miami.
I loved the race! That finish line, by far, was the most emotional I have ever seen. So much spirit/raw determination in one place! The area had plenty of places to eat, but not much in terms of shopping… To be fair, we parked the car for 4 days and just walked everywhere…
Good to know. Always on the lookout for new race venues!
Amen! I have struggled with body image as well during his triathlon journey and I am by no means fat or out-of-shape. I work, volunteer, run the house/kids, and strive to exercise 45-60 minutes a day (hard to fit in!). The worst was going to Kona when I felt like a fat marshmallow around all those super-athletes! He is the dad of three daughters and really got into the tri lifestyle when they were entering their teenage years. It has been interesting to see how it has skewed his idea of “ideal” body weight/fitness, however, and we have had MANY conversations about this as well as its impact on our girls. He is sometimes called the “Food Police” by his daughters!
Thanks for your comments Nanci. Always nice to know we’re not alone in these feelings. I’ve struggled for a long time and it’s been easier not going to triathlons for a few years, but that ends soon! I’m so impressed with all you get accomplished. You should be very proud of yourself and confident in your abilities and strengths!