We received this email from a reader and felt that since this is a site where we want to encourage an open, honest dialogue between all of us, we would share it with everyone. If you have had a similar situation with opposite sex training partners and can offer some words of wisdom, it would be greatly appreciated by our reader. Please comment below. We also did a post a long time ago on this subject, Creative Solutions When Your Triathlete Has You Seeing Green that might offer some clarity. Thanks so much….
Hi!
I really enjoy reading your blog! It’s been very helpful as a GF to a triathlete. I’m a long distance runner, but have learned a lot about what makes this sport different.
So, I hope you can help… And post my question anonymously. I’d like very much to have the input of the community.
I had on Sunday something happen that was quite upsetting to me and I don’t know how to handle it or if it’s really a problem.
My BF (we live together) said he was going out solo on a long ride from our house and in actuality met up with a gal and her friends to ride in a completely different part of the city. AND his “I”ll be back in 2 1/2 hrs” turned into 5 hours and I was worried sick as to where he was. He had his phone, but chose not to contact me. He literally rolled up in her car with another guy (that was her BF) and they dropped him back off at home. I was sitting on the porch and SHOCKED when they rolled up!
So here’s the deal and my question beyond my rage of disrespecting my time spent waiting and worrying for him. The gal he made plans with is very attractive. He friended her on FB a couple months ago I believe because of her swimsuit profile pic. I discovered before this that he was making ride dates behind my back and they meet up at the pool. I’ve since friended her and she knows I exist and says they are just friends. But am I crazy feeling uncomfortable with his new training partner that he NEVER mentions? I don’t feel they should train together – especially because he isn’t open about it. I’ve shared with her how I feel and now I wonder if I should put my foot down. It’s not as if they don’t have other same-gender partners to train with. Should I ask them to stop? They aren’t even the same speed riding. Or should I just drop it? I’m not sure if opposite sex training partners is a common issue, but I am at a loss as to what to say or what to do… :-/
HAS YOUR TRIATHLETE HAD AN OPPOSITE SEX TRAINING PARTNER?
DID IT CREATE AN ISSUE FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
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Sherry is one of the TriWivesClub and LifeDoneWell co-founders and contributes to multiple blogs. She is a former co-owner of the California Apparel News and had a career in the healthcare industry. Her passions include traveling, real food, the environment, and animal rescue/welfare. She lives a healthy lifestyle and has been a vegetarian since 1987. She and her husband are parents to two rescue pups and reside in Connecticut.
Having a training partner of the opposite sex is no big deal, hiding the truth about what he is doing IS a very bid deal. I may be wrong but I say go with your gut feelings here, if he isn’t doing any thing wrong, he wouldn’t be lying or hiding anything.
Thanks Kimberly. Great appreciate the input and insight.
Hi! I can put some experience in this on the OTHER side (triathlete who has a bf and trains with lots of men). MOST of the time it’s not a big deal, I don’t see male or female just someone to gossip with on long bike rides and push me in the pool and a friend with similar interests. HOWEVER the fact that he is hiding that he is training with her is a BIG deal. example: I never hide the guys who I train with from my bf – in fact after the rides my bf is invited to join us for lunch or he even hangs with us before we leave for a ride. I got nothing to hide. Its not a big deal. BUT I once hid a training partner from my ex…we met for morning runs…Id bike a route that went by his work to join him for lunch….and lets just say that NOW I’m dating that training partner and my ex is my ex. you can put two and two together….but every situation is different. you need to voice your concern to him in a positive open environment. don’t point fingers yet just meant ion the facts of what you’ve noticed and tell him how that makes you feel.
Thanks Linsday. Great insight. It helps to have the personal experience and view of the triathlete.
interesting topic and felt compelled to answer: first, sorry that the reader is having this issue. in my tri-life.. i have a lot male friends but am very honest with my husband in my interactions with them and when i am with them. In my uneducated opinion… I feel like the fact that he has been keeping some of this stuff from her could means 1. he is hiding something or 2. he isn’t hiding anything per say but knows she would be upset so keeping it from her in attempts to no upset her.. does that make sense? my husband has been guilty of #2 in the past (not tri related). anyways, i think it is worth talking to HIM about how she feels about this… perhaps some open dialogue could improve this situation but something should change as the current situation is not healthy. best of luck to the reader
Thanks Nic. Appreciate your comments and personal experience. Always the best….
I actually had this conversation with my husband a few weeks back. I am the triathlete and I wanted to get his opinion about who I trained with. He does not care who I train with as long as he knows where I am. Even when I am with a group I still use the Road ID app. As with anything being open and honest it shouldn’t matter who he trains with but since there wasn’t that open and honest conversation then I would question his actions.
Thanks for the input, Kathy. Couldn’t agree more than with the open and honest communication. Keep using the RoadID.
This comment comes from a twitter friend, @aHappyPace: @triwivesclub Yikes, I think the guy is being dishonest, I always tell my husband who I’m with & text if I’m out longer
My triathlete fiance enjoys training significantly more with other people than he does alone and it just so happens that most of the time the people he does the swim portion of his training with are women. At first I was a little uncomfortable with it but I have made a point to be my fiances number one fan and through doing that I’ve seen what this triathlete community really looks like. I’m thankful that he has other people (whether they are men or women) who are in the same boat as him and can feed off of the same excitement and high that comes from doing this sport. On a separate relationship note – I can honestly say that I have always been a rather jealous person and half the time if my fiance didn’t mention he was training with a certain woman it was because of how he knew I would react…not because he was at fault of anything…I don’t expect him to tell me about every guy he trains with so why should he have to tell me about every girl he trains with? The trust has to be there.
Thanks so much for the input, Laura. One of our triathlete husbands trains with both sexes too and gender has thus far, not been an issue – more of a triathlete’s a triathlete attitude. I really like your last comment and that if the trust is there, the sex of the other person is irrelevant.
It is a problem because he is hiding it from her. Even if there isn’t anything going on between the two of them, he shouldn’t hide it. This needs to be something the two of them discuss and come to an agreement on. If he refuses to acknowledge her opinion, maybe the relationship should be reevaluated.
I’m so impressed with the quality of responses we are receiving. Our readers are very insightful and have great opinions. Conversation and trust seem to be the ongoing theme. Thanks so much, Rachel.
Sounds like you are already an athlete, being a long distance runner. Consider getting a bike. Nothing better than a training partner that is your significant other!
Thanks Ann. No one has suggested this yet. Love it!
I have this problem – which my husband doesn’t see as a problem. What do we do? – next year he hopes to race abroad with her, and expects me to be happy tagging along. At present I feel like punching her lights out !